It's really strange the way Life unfolds sometimes, a theme I observed and noted in my last post. Was predominantly an uneventful day, as I didn't have to work. The house where I reside, along with several friends, has seemed huge and empty and quiet with two of my friends being away for the summer to find jobs back home. I really miss the energy and spirit they and their friends bring to this delapidated pseudo-mansion. Can't wait for autumn and their return. I miss you tons Badger!
Was a truly beautiful day outside today, even with the heat. Bored and stifled, I tried to go play disc golf but my vision is too bad to drive and couldn't find anyone to catch a ride with. Ironically, my once and (maybe) future friend decided to get up with me today. The same one who, because of some inferred slight which I never was aware of or understood,
felt it necessary to tell me to fuck off and that I was wasting my life. She goes from ignoring me to seemingly being my old friend again, telling me about her son's culinary explorations and steadfastly abstaining from any comment about our fight or issues. She even stepped in to hug me, which is as strong an indication as any that SHE seems okay with things.
You would think that would make me happy, but instead it makes me anxious. I am not one of those people who feel comfortable acting like nothing is wrong. I don't understand why people will do that, when it often leaves an issue shallowly buried, ready at any time to resurface and cause problems later. I have been fortunate to have had one or two exceptional friends with strong character, people who were able to get past their own egos and helped me get past mine for the sake of being true to ourselves and understanding toward one another. I am especially cautious because my friend and I already endured another confrontation like this merely a month ago. No apologies were offered, much like this time. We just interact and don't mention the lingering elephant in the room. Pride's a bitch.
We'll see how things go. It's now a week away from my birthday. Hoping my friends will be able to come into town and celebrate. Could be quite the Midsummer's Night Eve. Crossing fingers, would love to get some action. Hope it's a full moon, I always have good mojo on a full moon.
More later.
Tuesday, June 30, 2009
A Week of Chaos
Okay, so this is my second time trying this bog thing, but it seems like an awesome way to sort though some of the craziness of my life, and maybe let others know that they are not alone is facing the capricious lunacy which we commonly call "life". I am constantly amazed by the lack of rhyme or reason in which Life chooses to unfold, to the point that I seriously wonder if there is a Reason to be divined at all.
Take my past week. I went from crushing emotional chasms to ecstatic flights of spirit. It started off with an assault on me by one of my best friends. She and I were supposed to run errands and she blew me off at the last minute for reasons which were never explained to me. When I challenged her for brushing me off, she preceded to tear into me, insulting me and stating that my concerns were "self-centered" and "immature". We have been friends for ten years and I have always been there for her with moving and watching out for her and her five year old son (she's a single mom). My reward? Being told that it's all about me and how I didn't consider others and then being hung up on.
I was somewhat shellshocked by a close friend unloading on me like that. Went around dazedly and miserably for a few days, asking my other friends if I were an asshole or bad person. You see, I am one of those proverbial "nice guys" and having such a long-term friend rake me over the coals like that really undermined my personal sense of well-being.
In the midst of all this, I found myself hanging out with another good friend that weekend. She had her friend in town, and we spent the night hanging out and chatting and drinking lots of wine. After her friend left, we ended up talking and being closer than we'd been before. Though nothing serious ended up happening, it was still an affirmation to me that I was not an emotional, social, or physical freak, something I have struggled with for years (being not just a hick but also half albino), but that slid off my neck like a sated albatross with the earnest touch of an affectionate friend. Such an unexpected ray of light pierced the darkness shrouded around my spirit in a way never before felt, and a portion of my soul was healed which since a teenager had always felt estranged and forlorn.
But this was a week of chaos, playing out under the maniacal Cheshire grin of the crescent Moon. My zodiac sign is Cancer, whose heavenly influence is the Moon, and I have always felt abnormally aware and susceptible to its variances. The following night would remind me of the fickle vascilations of Yin and Yang. Yet another of my best friends, the only woman I call SoulSister, backed out on me after we had plans for me to crash at her place and chill for a few days out of town and hit the beach. Being sisters to the first friend I remarked on, the one who verbally flailed me, I was not altogether surprised that she renigged on our plans -four weeks in the making- out of confusion and uncertainty from her sis's problems with me. But it still left me feeling hurt and sad, for I had hoped her and my friendship was independent of her sister's mad ravings.
In despair I contact another of my friends whom I've known for a couple of years to check in and hopefully at the same time get some positive feedback. She insisted I come to visit but, lo and behold!, on the morning I am to board the bus she texts me to say family stuff is going on and she has to cancel plans, hoping we can hang soon.
One door closes, another opens. In finding out that my plans were rerouted, I take the days which I had asked off from work for the sake of seeing my friends to visit the beach. Fate bestows me with rare treats for the trip, and I end up having one of the best times of my life with a couple of good friends and some awesome surf. The waves serve to wash my soul clean, and the Universe whispers to me that I need to be more loving toward myself without getting wrapped up in others and their appraisals. Otherwise I can't act strongly as a friend if my self-worth resides in how people see me.
I am humbled when I think of the emotional roller coaster Life laid out for me those six days.. Bitter and salty one moment, succulent and tangy the next. I have long since abandoned the notion of perfection in life, for to continue to grow means that things cannot remain static, hence happiness is not a permanent but evolving state. Perhaps that is why we as humans can never be content for long but must always seek novelty. To understand something is to have power over it, and thus I must admit I don't truly understand things at all. Much like riding the waves at the beach, I only can control my course to a limited degree admist the churning currents of existence. The important thing is to keep my head up and face the incoming waves and not allow myself to be swept under.
Take my past week. I went from crushing emotional chasms to ecstatic flights of spirit. It started off with an assault on me by one of my best friends. She and I were supposed to run errands and she blew me off at the last minute for reasons which were never explained to me. When I challenged her for brushing me off, she preceded to tear into me, insulting me and stating that my concerns were "self-centered" and "immature". We have been friends for ten years and I have always been there for her with moving and watching out for her and her five year old son (she's a single mom). My reward? Being told that it's all about me and how I didn't consider others and then being hung up on.
I was somewhat shellshocked by a close friend unloading on me like that. Went around dazedly and miserably for a few days, asking my other friends if I were an asshole or bad person. You see, I am one of those proverbial "nice guys" and having such a long-term friend rake me over the coals like that really undermined my personal sense of well-being.
In the midst of all this, I found myself hanging out with another good friend that weekend. She had her friend in town, and we spent the night hanging out and chatting and drinking lots of wine. After her friend left, we ended up talking and being closer than we'd been before. Though nothing serious ended up happening, it was still an affirmation to me that I was not an emotional, social, or physical freak, something I have struggled with for years (being not just a hick but also half albino), but that slid off my neck like a sated albatross with the earnest touch of an affectionate friend. Such an unexpected ray of light pierced the darkness shrouded around my spirit in a way never before felt, and a portion of my soul was healed which since a teenager had always felt estranged and forlorn.
But this was a week of chaos, playing out under the maniacal Cheshire grin of the crescent Moon. My zodiac sign is Cancer, whose heavenly influence is the Moon, and I have always felt abnormally aware and susceptible to its variances. The following night would remind me of the fickle vascilations of Yin and Yang. Yet another of my best friends, the only woman I call SoulSister, backed out on me after we had plans for me to crash at her place and chill for a few days out of town and hit the beach. Being sisters to the first friend I remarked on, the one who verbally flailed me, I was not altogether surprised that she renigged on our plans -four weeks in the making- out of confusion and uncertainty from her sis's problems with me. But it still left me feeling hurt and sad, for I had hoped her and my friendship was independent of her sister's mad ravings.
In despair I contact another of my friends whom I've known for a couple of years to check in and hopefully at the same time get some positive feedback. She insisted I come to visit but, lo and behold!, on the morning I am to board the bus she texts me to say family stuff is going on and she has to cancel plans, hoping we can hang soon.
One door closes, another opens. In finding out that my plans were rerouted, I take the days which I had asked off from work for the sake of seeing my friends to visit the beach. Fate bestows me with rare treats for the trip, and I end up having one of the best times of my life with a couple of good friends and some awesome surf. The waves serve to wash my soul clean, and the Universe whispers to me that I need to be more loving toward myself without getting wrapped up in others and their appraisals. Otherwise I can't act strongly as a friend if my self-worth resides in how people see me.
I am humbled when I think of the emotional roller coaster Life laid out for me those six days.. Bitter and salty one moment, succulent and tangy the next. I have long since abandoned the notion of perfection in life, for to continue to grow means that things cannot remain static, hence happiness is not a permanent but evolving state. Perhaps that is why we as humans can never be content for long but must always seek novelty. To understand something is to have power over it, and thus I must admit I don't truly understand things at all. Much like riding the waves at the beach, I only can control my course to a limited degree admist the churning currents of existence. The important thing is to keep my head up and face the incoming waves and not allow myself to be swept under.
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